ashamed

Why do we get angry at our kids? Usually it's because they are not listening to us. Or they are listening to us but they aren't doing what we want them to do...or don't want them to do, as the case may be.

Then there's what my mom always called "sassy-mouth" or "backtalk," the snide remarks that reveal a disdain for parental authority.

And then there's "the look." The "oh-brother-there-she-goes-again-nag-nag" look. It says it all.
There's always that final something pushes any parent over the edge. Kids will do that! But sometimes we allow emotion to transcend reason and we lash out at this little offenders. Sometimes we say and do things we later regret.

I had one of those moments today. Since she has very little understanding of the clock and how it relates to certain events like departure, my four-year-old was engaging in her morning ritual of dilly-dallying. And the eight-year-old is freaking out because she thinks she's going to be late to school. And I had had enough. And so I engaged in, shall we say, inappropriate behavior. I won't get into specifics, but it's enough to say that I am usually counseling the girls not to use such actions to solve problems.

Psalm 4:4 and Ephesians 4:26 presents some simple advice to us in these situations. "In your anger, do not sin." It doesn't say "Feeling anger is sinful" or "being angry is wrong." It's what we do with that anger.

But sometimes the root cause of anger is steeped in uglieness. When I think now about what made me so angry about this morning's situation, I am ashamed. I wanted to be listened to, and I was angry that no one was listening to me. I wanted my child to do what I was asking, because I am in charge. I didn't want to be late for my volunteer work at the school because I didn't want the teacher to think I was a slacker. I was being dissed and I didn't like it. Who did that kid think she was?

Who do I think I am?

Who do you think you are?

I am a sinner and you are too. We really don't deserve special treatment, no matter who we are or what we've accomplished or how important our work is. That is the simple truth. At the end of the day, nothing elevates me over any other human being, even our own children. And that's were the anger comes in, right? That apparent disregard for our feelings, our authority, our whatever. We are faced with that simple truth. And it hurts.

But so does shame. And Lord knows I am ashamed of my behavior. I asked both girls for forgiveness, which they gave readily. "I love you, mommy!" said the four-year-old. "I need a Kleenex," said the eight-year-old.

Next time you are angry, ask yourself why. And get beyond the easy answers. Examine yourself and your expectations, and you probably find the answers in the ugliness of your own sin. That hurts, it does. But God is ready to forgive you. No matter who you are, no matter what you've done. That is the simple truth. He is ready to tell you how much He loves you.

a big stink

What does a skunk do when it feels threatened? It lets loose with a horrendously offensive spray from its posterior that can scare away grizzly bears, cause temporary blindness in other predators and nauseate humans. It's worth noting that skunks can spray with high accuracy up to 7 to 10 feet. Just another reason to keep your distance. You might not even be thinking about making the skunk your dinner -- the threat might not be justified -- and you get a face full of noxious chemicals anyway.
Last night we had close (enough) personal experience with such a stinky polecat outside of the house. I actually thought it was a natural gas leak, but then my husband opened the door and we knew the truth. Although we didn't see it, we certainly knew it was there and had been disturbed (even with doors and windows closed). The little guy was ticked off and letting the world experience his pungent displeasure. Because I muse about such things, last night's incident made me think about raising a stink in general.
What do you do when you've been dissed? Say someone you live with left his dirty clothes on the floor, another driver cut you off on the tollway, or your manager gave someone else the coveted assignment.
Do these folks know who you are? You are much more important than a maid.
Does that driver understand where you need to be in the next 10 minutes? You certainly deserve the right of way more than she does.
Does your manager know who he is dealing with? He's obviously overlooking your talent.
So you find some way to show your displeasure. You might raise a little stink and bawl out the offending housemate for his obvious inconsideration. You might make the univeral driver hand signal to convey your displeasure to the driving school dropout. A lesser person than you might think ill of the manager; worse yet, might share opinions about the manager's abilities in a less than favorable light. And the odor grows. The strong odor of judgment. Once uttered or even thought, it is hard to come clean. It permeates clothing, seeps in the skin. And what do we gain from allegedly defending ourserlves as we pass judgment?
Not much, according to the New Testament book of Romans. The second chapter begins:

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on
someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance? (Romans 2:1-4).

We are rarely justified in our judgment of others, mostly because we're just plain wrong. We think we know the whole story, but we don't; worse yet, we act on the story we think we know. The housemate may have been very ill when he left the clothes on the floor. The offending driver could be on her way to the hospital hoping she'll make it there before her husband dies. The manager was looking for a certain skill that, admit it, you just don't have. You and I have a very limited understanding of what's going on with our own lives, much less someone else's.

In light of this, I'll leave you with another passage that rings true and smells better than any knee-jerk reaction. Remember, the word speak can be interchanged with think and act in this case.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen,slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:19-20).

Too much for me to handle

Ever feel like the world is crashing down around you? You might not be touched personally by tragedy (meaning yourself or your immediate family) but sadness is all around you. From your friend’s friend’s husband being killed by an armed robber to a friend losing a baby to another friend being diagnosed with cancer to a neighbor dying from cancer….I could go on, I suppose. No longer are overwhelming tragedies relegated to soap operas—they are part of our everyday lives.

Could this be my age? I’m over 40 now, which logically would expose me to more illness and age-related issues among friends and relatives. But I’m not sure that’s it. I’ve run into plenty of extraordinarily random tragedies that have nothing to do with age. I wonder if the cultural movement to encourage people to talk openly about their crises, to be real with their anguish has led to this overwhelming sense of global personal suffering.

The flip side of this openness is that it’s almost as if you need some sort of tragic circumstances to be able to enter into a conversation. And if you haven’t suffered in some way you are one of the uninitiated few. The sufferers look upon you with an odd combination of disdain and pity. “Poor slob,” they murmur. “Just wait until tragedy strikes for her. She’ll have her day of suffering just like the rest of us. We’ll see if she can handle it.”

And along with the sense of guilt you might feel at being “untouched,” you wonder if, indeed, you will be able to handle tragedy when it comes. You might begin to greet each day with a sense of foreboding, as if this is the day when IT happens. The crisis of your life. The other shoe drops, your fortune turns, and time runs out on the parking meter. You peer around corners, squint into the shadows, and generally flush any enjoyment from where you are due to the overwhelming fear of where you’ll be.

In the New Testament Book of Matthew, Jesus says …do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:34). I find this a curious statement coming from a man who did know what would happen tomorrow (and would be righteous in his fear). But we can’t begin to guess what will happen in the future, so all the defenses, the strategies, and the coping mechanisms we devise for dealing with tomorrow’s tragedies take us away from today’s very real struggles…and very real victories and joys.

So, how to deal with uncertainty? How to not let worry consume us? Though I might not agree with his plans, his timing, and his outcomes, I have made a choice to trust in God. What other choice to I have? What other choice do you have?

Jesus himself is calling you to make that choice, as shown in the account of Mary and Martha in the New Testament book of Luke. (Keep in mind that worry is relative here – one person can handle the worry that consumes someone else.) Martha is freaking out at her preparations for a dinner party and that her sister is chatting away with Jesus. Martha indignantly approaches Jesus, full of righteous anger at the inequity of it all, when Jesus answers quietly and lovingly: “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Understand that I’m not talking about blind faith, I’m talking about trust. No matter what, the friendship, love, and wisdom of Jesus and the Holy Spirit within us cannot be taken away from us. We will worry, yes, but let us choose what is better.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:57.